What have you got to moan about?

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Maya Angelou – If you don’t like somethingchange it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.”

In this world of social media and such like, I find that people love to moan and complain about their lives so much more. It seems that in today’s society there is an acceptable open arena for complaining and moaning,  that we just can’t seem to avoid!

The thing is it’s not just social media, it’s the newspapers, TV programs (especially soap operas), weather reports and just about everything around that bombards us with pretty depressing and quite frankly toxic news or information. It’s no wonder 1 person every 40 seconds dies by their own hands according to The Samaritans 

Obviously the blame here doesn’t just lie with anyone in particular but I do believe that if we all stopped for a second before we update our status with something negative, aggressive or downright unnecessary, that perhaps it wouldn’t be such a bad place for us to all live.

Don’t get me wrong I used to love a good moan, especially back in the day, when I had a hugely stressful job, living in a city that oozed stress and conformation.  I threw constant pity parties, moaning about my job, the people I worked with, the money I wasn’t earning (even though I was already earning a bucket load) and so on.

So how did I become a moaner?

Simple really, I just wasn’t happy and I didn’t have a clue why I wasn’t or even what to do about it.

It is funny how moaning can become a habit when you lose sight of who you are and forget how lucky you already have it.  For me moaning was a part of life, mainly because everyone else was doing it and it felt good to share in those same feelings.

Also I found it took the stress off me!  It meant I could blame others constantly for what was wrong with my life and because of that I took absolutely no responsibility for my life whatsoever.

Great eh? Well no not really, because I began to spiral out of control.  I’d turn to people who were absolutely no good for me, who became so toxic that in the end I’d be staying out late at night drinking to the early hours of the morning and doing all manner of stupid things just to try to grab some joy back into my life.

It saddens me to remember those times, but it also helps me to recognise the patterns in myself again or in others around me.  I look back on that time as a time of learning and eventually I had the courage to take back my life.  In the end I decided that complaining about everything just wasn’t getting me anywhere!

So what did I do?

  • Firstly I quit my job, you might say that it was extreme but it wasn’t at the time. I had to make a decision about my future and I realised that the job didn’t inspire me one bit.  I also realised that the people who ran the company and even the staff were simple very toxic. You see it was a Sales company, which lives and breathes selfishness, greed and deceit – which is so not me at all! So I quit.
  • Secondly I moved away from London and more importantly from toxic friends in my life. I had a couple of friends who I’ve known since school, who unbeknown to be for years were simply sucking the life out of me.  I am not blaming here, I just realised that they were not healthy for me to be around anymore so I upped and moved back to my home town along the south coast. Back to my family and my roots – I think this was one of the best things I ever did.
  • Thirdly I tried something different, I started my own business, which consequently didn’t work out, however I knew I wanted to work for myself so I guess this grew the seed in my brain to get me to here I am now!  I also got back in touch with my family and slowly realised that there was more to life than money, status and partying every night!
  • And lastly I stopped watching TV, reading newspapers, mixing with toxic people and simply stopped moaning about my life.  I took responsibility for my life and realised that if things were to change, I had to change first.  Outside circumstances are not me; they are merely a reflection of what I had become.

So what can you do?

  • Smile! We simply don’t smile enough in my opinion! 
  • Work out what you are moaning about, write it down and keep a journal just so you can see patterns in your moaning – you’ll be surprised (or you may not be) at what you need to re-think or look at to help make that change
  • Look at those around you. Who is always complaining? Are you surrounded by moaners at work, in your family or friends?  Try to distance yourself from them if you can – especially if they are on Facebook – hit the delete!
  • Don’t turn on the TV, radio or buy the newspaper first thing in the morning – it’ll only have bad news to fill your head with!
  • Go for a run or do some exercise first thing in the morning, change a habit of getting up, getting ready for work and going into ‘moan mode’ because you hate your job, your partner or your life!
  • CHANGE SOMETHING! Anything!  Just do something that makes you think outside of your normal world – you will be surprised by the impact of changing something.

Well those are my suggestions and I really hope you decide that moaning isn’t working out for you. Seriously, it just makes you look at the world in such a negative way and you’ll only feel worse for doing it. Believe me.

I took drastic action, but that’s me. But if you are not ready for that yet I’d definitely recommend  trying something  – even if it’s just deleting some friends from your life who drag you down.  You’ll see such a huge improvement!

If you want any help or encouragement then you know where I am just call!

Much love, Paula

Pain pain go away come back another day?

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I’ve recently been reading a few exerts from a great website by DanielleLaPorte.com and especially loved a post about learning to open up more.

Danielle says ‘Openness is a three step process: 1. Open. 2. Stay open. 3. Open some more’

Sounds easy right?

Wrong (well for me anyway),  being open is about a lot more than opening your mouth and letting whatever you say or feel come flying out.

What is Openness?

‘Doing openness’ is letting your heart open up even if it feels like it’s being ripped open and then still going back for more, not running as far away as humanly possible just to escape the pain.  And if you’re anything like me you’d do just about everything, like cutting off your right arm, than actually open up about anything important especially if it’s personal.

For me personally I think the lack of openness in my family caused a blockage for me in later life.  I struggled with saying what I thought just in case I wasn’t liked or rejected for it.  I have since then been tested time and time again either through the people I meet or the situations I encounter, which has been hard and still is if I am honest.

I do believe however, the more I am open and continue to be the more I believe I’ll be come a natural at it. I hope!

So how do we become more open?

The stages are below:

  • You’ll have feelings of doubt and fear.  However, its right here and right now that you choose to go ahead and be open anyway. This is where you look your fears and uncertainty in the face and confront them head on.
  • At the same time you’ll feel the fear in your body as well as in your mind.  Feelings of anxiety and perhaps tightness of chest you’ll be experiencing.  Know that these are happening because as you are steering your fearful thoughts into openness they’ll need a way of escaping.
  • You’ll declare that you are afraid.  You know what you really want is on the other side of this fear and if being open gets you through that door – you’ll have to do it.
  • Next you’ll ask for strength to go through with it. Here is where you’ll ask for courage so that you’ll be able to do it time and time again.

You’ve done it, now is the time to believe, have faith and let go.

The thing is with being open, it becomes a risk and risk leads you to uncertainty and you’ll ask ‘will I be rejected if I open up right now?

This is where you do it anyway, your only chance of growing is to open up and experience and then open up some more.  The next time it will be easier and you’ll get stronger each and every time.

I’m up for trying it.  How about you?

The Art of Believing and Letting Go

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Ask, Believe, Let Go, Receive’- Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love

Believing and letting go are both struggles for me, I try but I have this little me on my right shoulder saying ‘do it, say it now!’ and then I have the other little me saying ‘no wait, not yet, you’ll only get burnt’.

I regularly have these battles going on in my head and normally at the end of it I am still unsure of what I should be doing.

But herein lies the problem, I get so caught up with what I should be doing that I forget to actually be myself and go with the flow.

Being the Co-Creator

According to Mastin Kipp, Founder of The Daily Love, he believes that we are the co-creators of our lives so we only have to worry 49% on how our life turns out, whereas the other 51% is up to the Universe.

Whether you believe in God, the Universe or any other ‘being’ in this world (or not at all) Mastin believes that you only need to put in some of the work, whilst the rest will come along when it’s needed.

So we can all breathe a sigh of relief?

Sadly its’ not that easy, well not for some of us.  However, I’ve come up with a plan to try to make life a little bit easier using Mastin’s brilliant advice.

Using these few steps:

Let yourself off the hook

This can be difficult if you are always, like me, trying to control everything.  Here is where I normally meditate, but if you aren’t into that it’s always a good idea to take some time out.  Like a walk in nature somewhere, along the beach, in the countryside or just sitting on the lawn for a few minutes.

This is the time to re-energize, focus on what is important to you and remembering that you only have a limited amount of energy in the day to do things.  It’s time here to let yourself off the hook and just be, if you know how to do it that is (which is why I meditate as it gets you back to you).

Leave room for connection

This is so important because it ultimately comes down to connecting with those who are important to you. Those who make you feel good for just being you and those who accept you just as you are.

Take time out to connect, talk about your life, the future and what’s going on around you.

Connection is so important, especially in person, because in this day and age with texting and social media we seem to forget how to communicate and really discuss from our hearts.  Personally I love this kind of interaction, whether it is with friends, loved one’s or strangers I’ve only just met.  These connections inspire me to write and can often provide me with passion and purpose in life so I’d definitely recommend it.

Letting go

When you know that half of the work isn’t up to you, you can afford to let go a little.  It provides you with the area of work you need to focus on, but doesn’t work you to the bone so you have little else for play, love or connection.

Let go a little, let the universe give you what you need (not always what you want) and accept that is what is meant to be.

As long as you Ask, Believe, Act, Let Go and Believe – Yep in that order!

Would love to know how this is going for you so do comment at let me know.

As always, have a great day and remember you are perfect just the way you are.

Lots of Love

Me x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just say something?

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‘Nothings gonna hurt you, like the words do when they settle underneath your skin’
‘Don’t run, stop holding your tongue’

A couple of lines from Brave by Sara Bareilles

I heard this song today. I wouldn’t normally get to listen to pop song’s these days, I’m more of your Radio 2 listener than your Radio 1, but I liked this one.

The words rang true for me for many reasons, but probably more so with regard to love and relationships. I have always been a really good ‘risk taker’ I’ll try things that challenge me, the riskier the better. But when it comes to other things, I’ve not been so brave especially where matters of the heart are concerned.

Healing a broken heart

For me and I suspect for so many other people, the broken heart is the hardest thing to bear when it has been hurt. And for most of us putting your heart on the line is the biggest risk you can ever take, and it’s never taken lightly.

We’ll avoid this at all costs and sometimes at the cost of losing someone we care about because we think they might hurt us or cause us pain down the line.

How sad this that?

It’s that ‘just in case’ scenario that gets to me the most. It’s fear, plain and simple.

Fear….

Fear of the unknown and the uncertainty that rejection could be on the cards if you get too close. This kind of fear can make you do stupid things, like not call, doubt yourself and reject them before they reject you.

I’ve done that in my time. I’d be so frozen with fear that perhaps the person I was dating wasn’t as keen as I thought so I’d tell them that I was busy over the next few weeks and give him a call then, and then don’t bother. Just to see their reaction. And when their reaction came back just as fearful as mine – I’d not be surprised because ‘I knew they’d let me down eventually’.

Rubbish!

It’s just a vicious circle and it’s all based on fear.

Back to the song…

Have courage to be brave

Being brave is a good start when you are seeing someone new, because if you don’t say what you want or be who you are, then when will you? Six, seven months down the line and that’s if you even get that far into the relationship.

The biggest thing to remember is the other person is probably just as sh*t scared as you are. They have probably had their heart-broken too. I can promise you that they fear rejection. If you can understand that you’ll go a long way in understanding why we each react the way we do, in relationships, we are all just a little bit afraid. Not all, granted, but most of us.

No truer word said, the fact that you will be more hurt by your fear of not speaking your mind and losing that someone or something, than actually coming out and saying what you want.

So how do you know what to say?

And if you want to test it, I’d say put yourself in their shoes, would you like to hear what you have got to say? How would you feel if that person you liked said how they felt? Would it make it easier for you to say how you felt?

And if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I know it’s a cliché but it’s true!

Seriously guys, be yourself, warts and all. Say what you want, when you want and never ever be afraid to do it time and time again. I promise you they WANT to hear it even if it’s bad, just say it.

So what do you want to say today?

Be brave and say it TODAY.

She’s hit the ESCAPE button again!

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escapeOK wait for it.

Yep it’s going to come and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it will.

What?

The ‘nay Sayers’ around me who will predictably say ‘there she goes again, another job, another idea that won’t amount to anything’

And it will…..

Seriously, will these people ever get what I get?

They never understand that if you don’t follow your heart and go after what you truly want you’ll always be stuck?

Sod them!

This is about me and what makes me happy and if I’d wanted your advice I would have asked in the first place, get it?

So now that’s done, I’ve said my piece. Onto why I am writing to you today.

It all starts today….

For weeks and weeks I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won’t go away.  Actually to be frank it’s been there for years but I’ve made a bloody good job of denying its existence until today!

I sent my Manager an email this morning, saying that I wanted to go part-time and if that’s not possible I’d like to hand my notice in.

I’ve been waiting to do this for ages; the job just doesn’t ‘do it’ for me and to sit at my laptop all day everyday doing work that just turns my brain into mush, well there is no competition.

I can however, handle it for 20 hours a week a) because I’d like to keep earning and b) I know that the rest of the time I can focus 100% on my business. Whooopeeeeee!!

‘But what happens if they say you can’t go part-time?’  I hear you shout!

Then that’s what is meant to happen.  End of.

I know I can do this and I know I have it in me to work for myself. Sometimes that extra push towards it is needed, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.   I’ve asked I’ve put it out there. The ball is in their court and I can take it on the chin if required!

I want this you see.   I want and desire this change, I’ve wanted it for so long and there ain’t no time like the present!

So here goes ladies and gents, sometimes you got to just risk it or stay stuck in the mud of life.

How do you know when you know?

So how do you know when it’s time to quit that job or make that decision that you’ve been needing to make for what seems like an age?   What signs are there? And how do you deal with them?

Take time out

Meditate or do something that just leaves you alone with you.  Open your heart and really listen to how you feel when you think of this one thing in your life.  How does it make you feel? What emotions does it bring up?  Really take this time out, with no judgement or shame.

What do you want?

OK next ask yourself ‘what is the ideal scenario for me if I took this course of action? And what would your life look like once you made the decision and how would you feel?’

For me it would be that I would feel more freedom than I’ve ever felt before, I would be back in control of my life and be able to explore more exciting opportunities.   I would feel happy and the weight off my shoulders would feel wonderful.  I know that I truly believe that this is the right road for me and my life would be more joyful and fulfilled because of it.  My life will be doing what I should be doing and sharing this with you is the tip of the ice-burg!

Stand up for YOU

This is where you’ve got to put those shoulders back, take a deep breath and do what is necessary.  Taking action is the next step towards your new life.  Whatever action you need to take to get the ball rolling, do it. Do it today.

If you are fearful, good, this is telling you that it’s the right decision because when you push through fear and believe the life for you is ahead great things will come.  Yeah there will be some ups and downs along the way, but that’s all there to keep you growing and on the right track.

Stand up for yourself today and do what you got to do.

Like emailing your boss and telling them you want to go part-time or quit!

So who’s standing up for themselves today and hitting the ESCAPE button?

Fill Yourself Up…

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I have been a serial dater in the past.

Not promiscuous, although I’ve had my moments, but dating men when I’ve a) either not been ready or b) dated men that haven’t been ready for me, both NEVER a good thing.

My ‘problem’ I believe is that each time I have dated a man I’ve always thought ‘could this be the one?’; never once just enjoying the experience to the fullest and taking it as just a date!

I’ve had this need for many years, to have a man in my life, to feel loved, wanted and adored. And you could say it’s because of my lack of parentage from my father, or my mother setting the example of which I have followed true to form.

I have always without doubt forgotten myself whenever I have met a new man, I’ve lived totally for them and I can honestly say this has happened each and every time, no matter how much I have tried to resist.

And guess what? Each of those relationships went down the pan! Surprise surprise!

I am glad of those lessons however painful they were, because I am now at the time of my life where I am finally working on me, my desires and needs.  I am now at this point where what I want matters and if something doesn’t ring true for me, I will sit back and really look at the situation and try to work out what it is teaching me.

For example I recently met a guy, we got on really well, we’ve dated a few times and then suddenly he quietened down, less contact and even didn’t call me when he said he would.  Shame on him!

The old me would have been so upset, would have started to fret ‘does he like me’ or ‘what did I do wrong’.  This time I may have done a little of that, but I’ve fine-tuned myself to look at the situation and go back to me and what I am lacking.

You see, I needed to fill myself up, go back to me and remember who I am right here, right now.  So I meditate.  I sit alone (well as alone as you can be with a puppy around) and tune into me, the real me, deep within. And I have to say it feels wonderful. I love the way it makes me feel so peaceful and ready for my day.

Whilst filling myself up I go back to what makes me happy and focus on my life and passions. PaulasWork is my passion and nothing in the world will ever stop me progressing with that little baby!

You see this experience is another lesson the Universe has sent my way.  The lesson is to love myself first.

I, like you, am still learning and growing which is why I share these stories with you.  I hope that you too can understand that unless you can fill yourself up first, no one or nothing can ever make you happy – not really, not to your core.

I love myself and continue to do so.

Do you?

 

Leave judgement at the back door…

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I used to be the worlds worst, judge, juror and jailer, that was me.  Awful isn’t it?

Why do we judge so much?

I recently read a status on Facebook about the way a man was talking to his little girl in a restaurant and apparently he was ‘mentally’ abusing her and would not let up.   Finally another guy in the restaurant stood up and told the man ‘enough was enough’ and they went to go outside – all ended OK in the end as they went their separate ways.

The person telling this tale was outraged by the behaviour of the father of the girl saying that it was awful, which it probably was, and that she should have reported him or gone over and taken the child from him whilst hitting him!

Please don’t get me wrong here, I don’t think the behaviour of the man was acceptable and I am sure the little girl didn’t deserve this treatment.  But I was astounded by how many people commented on this status to give their two pence worth about this man and not giving one thought to why he was like it or looked at it from his perspective.

The judgement we inflict on other’s is astronomical, if someone acts, looks or behaves differently to us then we automatically assume that he/she is wrong or that there is something wrong with them.   There is a lack of tolerance to each other and instead of thinking ‘why is this man like this’ or ‘I wonder how this man got to be this way’ we fly in with ‘this man is disgusting’ or ‘this man should never have kids’.

This saddens me.   I am not a mother, yet, but I know from seeing parents and how frustrating it can be sometimes that it can be one of the hardest jobs you can ever do and that’s when you actually choose to be a parent.  Sadly in this day and age a lot of parents (especially fathers) don’t always consciously choose to be a dad.  Some men are ‘trapped’ into be a dad whether they like it or not and then they have to deal with the consequences after.

Of course the man should have used protection, that goes without saying, but when that doesn’t happen you are left with a child wanted or unwanted and the parents have to do their best, which isn’t always the ‘best’ that you or I would believe it is.

I’ve been a ‘step parent’ before and the father (my boyfriend) was ‘trapped’ twice (silly man).  He was from a very bad background as a child and although was doing everything he could to be better than his past, he still struggled enormously as a father.  His own pressure on being ‘better than his parents’ put pressure on his own parenting in the end made him ‘in societies eyes’ less than perfect.

You see no one saw his struggles, no one understood how he had been parented (or not parented) and no one took the time to help him be a better parent, I tried.

What I am trying to get at here is that many parents are parents because of circumstance, if you watch the Jeremy Kyle’s in the world you’ll know exactly what I mean.   It’s parents like these that need our help not judgement.  They need our support, guidance and understanding.  It’s not easy being a parent, not one little bit, and some days I am sure a parent will think ‘I can’t take this anymore’ or ‘help’ especially those from broken homes, broken marriages and single parents.

These parent’s struggle enough with their own worries about being a ‘good’ parent so any outside judgement just fuels their belief and then the vicious circle continues.

I ask who are we to judge someone else’s parenting?  Oh of course there is a time to step in and say ‘enough is enough’ like the man in this status and I am sure it was pretty unbearable.  But for those who were not there or even looking in from the sidelines, take a second and ask yourself what was this mans own family life like when he was a child?  How was this man parented? Why was this man being so harsh and finally what is going on with this mans world to make him act like this?

If you can look upon it with those eyes and see past the behaviour perhaps we can help each other out a little.  Because as far as I can see being a parent is damn hard.

Perhaps parenting classes should be a must before becoming a parent?

So love a little eh?