I have been a serial dater in the past.
Not promiscuous, although I’ve had my moments, but dating men when I’ve a) either not been ready or b) dated men that haven’t been ready for me, both NEVER a good thing.
My ‘problem’ I believe is that each time I have dated a man I’ve always thought ‘could this be the one?’; never once just enjoying the experience to the fullest and taking it as just a date!
I’ve had this need for many years, to have a man in my life, to feel loved, wanted and adored. And you could say it’s because of my lack of parentage from my father, or my mother setting the example of which I have followed true to form.
I have always without doubt forgotten myself whenever I have met a new man, I’ve lived totally for them and I can honestly say this has happened each and every time, no matter how much I have tried to resist.
And guess what? Each of those relationships went down the pan! Surprise surprise!
I am glad of those lessons however painful they were, because I am now at the time of my life where I am finally working on me, my desires and needs. I am now at this point where what I want matters and if something doesn’t ring true for me, I will sit back and really look at the situation and try to work out what it is teaching me.
For example I recently met a guy, we got on really well, we’ve dated a few times and then suddenly he quietened down, less contact and even didn’t call me when he said he would. Shame on him!
The old me would have been so upset, would have started to fret ‘does he like me’ or ‘what did I do wrong’. This time I may have done a little of that, but I’ve fine-tuned myself to look at the situation and go back to me and what I am lacking.
You see, I needed to fill myself up, go back to me and remember who I am right here, right now. So I meditate. I sit alone (well as alone as you can be with a puppy around) and tune into me, the real me, deep within. And I have to say it feels wonderful. I love the way it makes me feel so peaceful and ready for my day.
Whilst filling myself up I go back to what makes me happy and focus on my life and passions. PaulasWork is my passion and nothing in the world will ever stop me progressing with that little baby!
You see this experience is another lesson the Universe has sent my way. The lesson is to love myself first.
I, like you, am still learning and growing which is why I share these stories with you. I hope that you too can understand that unless you can fill yourself up first, no one or nothing can ever make you happy – not really, not to your core.
I love myself and continue to do so.
Do you?
PaulasWork 
Such an important lesson here Paula! Very wise words. I totally agree you need to fill yourself up and be passionate about your life before you can commit to someone else.
It’s great that you have recognised this and ready not to repeat what’s gone wrong in the past. Many people never get to this point.
Hey Michaela thanks for the encouragement. You are so right though, still working on it as I am still growing and learning 🙂
There is no greater lesson than loving yourself first. I would guess that most of us learn this one the hard way. I know I did. I put other people’s needs and wants before my own. Which only caused regret and pain. It wasn’t until I got really comfortable with ME, that I started to see the world a little differently and then eventually act different.
It’s a tricky thing because our culture would have us believe that we need to put almost everyone/everything else first. Otherwise, we’re selfish…right? Wrong! When I learned to get comfortable with loving myself and setting important boundaries, that’s when everything else started to shift.
Several years, many blundered relationships, and several financial setbacks later, I have finally started to listen up and pay attention to this Universal truth. It’s a work in progress for sure but every day I try to love myself just a little bit more.
Thank you for this! What a great reminder.
Hey Michael, yeah we all need that reminder most definitely. Its hard sometimes because some people are givers, but if you give out of obligation or to get something back then you’ll be out of luck. Its all work in process, the best part is that you know and so do i 🙂
Love is our true nature.
“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
-Carl Jung
Thank you Renee – that this 🙂
Hi Paula, thank you for sharing this with us. I can so much relate. What worked for me in the past was to create a list of all the valuable characteristics I would love in a partner and set the intention that I will met them when the time is right. I was astonished the first time I done this, because within the same year I met someone who matched those characteristics. After ten years I repeated the process again and it worked. I do believe in the universal law of attraction and how this worked for me was to write the list, leave it in a place for a few days to connect to the intention and then place it somewhere safe and forget about it. Somehow, when I connected to the people I gained a relationship with I somehow came across the list (for example I kept it within a book which I decided to read again). There is a great book which I adore called Man are from Mars and Women are from Venus from John Gray. This book has so much helped me. For anyone who maybe interested I am beginning to share similar processes (as above) on my blog. I have learn’t it is really important to keep doing what you love, and believe that the people that come into my life will support me to do this. Thank you for sharing this with us Paula 🙂
Wow Paul, thank you for this I too love that book and have read it over and over again. I am going to write that list today. I’d be interested in seeing your blog posts on this too 🙂 thank you for understanding where I am coming from
“To say ‘I love you,’ one must first be able to say the ‘I. ” Ayn Rand. 🙂 I remember that quote so clearly when reading her book, Atlas Shrugged, I believe. Anyhow, I totally agree with you, Paula. You’re right in centering yourself with mediation (recurring theme for me this week!), and to concentrate on loving yourself. Some people knock it down and say it’s corny to even say that, but how many grown people can look into the mirror every morning (into your own eyes) and say “I love you…” to yourself? Try it out. It’s eye opening!!!
Yes meditation is the first thing I think to loving yourself 🙂 and I will try the mirror thing! thanks Jesicka! 🙂
Yes, love yourself first. I do! 🙂 We often don’t do the things to ourselves that we do to others that we love – presents, surprises, hugging, smiling, encouraging – start with that! Thanks Paula for the reminder!
No problemo, yep not enough things for myself…I am learning though 🙂
Having been raised as a Christian, it was emphasized that I must love others, love others, love others. Yet what Jesus said was, “Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF.” We can’t truly love another until we love ourselves. We can have unhealthy dependencies, infatuation, or sex, we no love until we love ourselves first. It took me a long time to get there!
It’s great that you have work you’re passionate about that you can focus on. In my experience, the more you focus on doing what you enjoy and living a fulfilling life, the more likely the right person is going to show up. And getting really intentional about what you want is key; I kept fine-tuning my “message to the universe” and eventually I got exactly the partner I wanted. 🙂
Like like like!
Thanks for writing and sharing this with us Paula. I can completely relate to this. After ending a long-term relationship in late 2011, I became a serial dater the following year. After many dates with great (and some, not so great) guys, I was still discontent. The key lesson I learnt from the experience was that I had become disconnected with who I was. In each date, I found myself trying to be that impressive person, and not fully being myself. Taking a break from dating, I set out to ‘rediscover’ myself and made a promise to always be true to me. A few months later, I went on another date with a great guy, and we are still together a year later. Loving yourself first allows another to love you as well.
Thank you Christina just what I needed to hear – wonderful news!
Thanks for writing and sharing this with us Paula. I can completely relate to this. After ending a long-term relationship in late 2011, I became a serial dater the following year. After many dates with great (and some, not so great) guys, I was still discontent. The key lesson I learnt from the experience was that I had become disconnected with who I was. In each date, I found myself trying to be that impressive person, and not fully being myself. Taking a break from dating, I set out to ‘rediscover’ myself and made a promise to always be true to me. A few months later, I went on another date with a great guy, and we are still together a year later. Loving yourself first allows another to love you as well.
Correct, we always need to love ourselves, and really we can’t love others to the fullest unless we love ourselves more first!
Because of exactly what you described – we loose ourselves in that other person. I’ve been there, it’s called co-dependency and we rely way to much on the other person’s approval of us for ourselves to be happy.
We HAVE GOT TO be happy with just ourselves first. Then the other person is a bonus to our lives, and easier to free ourselves from if it’s not a beneficial relationship.
Good reading, and good advice for everyone! Men and women alike, in any stage of life/relationships!
Paula, I keep hearing great things about you from my wife. I think you’re on the right track already! But we can never love ourselves enough. This isn’t easy for me either so I also need to concentrate myself and practice this, and I am glad you’re article reminded me of it.
Hey Martin, that’s great on all points! Yeah we all need to remind ourselves and love ourselves…. glad your wife is telling you great stuff!