Just say something?

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‘Nothings gonna hurt you, like the words do when they settle underneath your skin’
‘Don’t run, stop holding your tongue’

A couple of lines from Brave by Sara Bareilles

I heard this song today. I wouldn’t normally get to listen to pop song’s these days, I’m more of your Radio 2 listener than your Radio 1, but I liked this one.

The words rang true for me for many reasons, but probably more so with regard to love and relationships. I have always been a really good ‘risk taker’ I’ll try things that challenge me, the riskier the better. But when it comes to other things, I’ve not been so brave especially where matters of the heart are concerned.

Healing a broken heart

For me and I suspect for so many other people, the broken heart is the hardest thing to bear when it has been hurt. And for most of us putting your heart on the line is the biggest risk you can ever take, and it’s never taken lightly.

We’ll avoid this at all costs and sometimes at the cost of losing someone we care about because we think they might hurt us or cause us pain down the line.

How sad this that?

It’s that ‘just in case’ scenario that gets to me the most. It’s fear, plain and simple.

Fear….

Fear of the unknown and the uncertainty that rejection could be on the cards if you get too close. This kind of fear can make you do stupid things, like not call, doubt yourself and reject them before they reject you.

I’ve done that in my time. I’d be so frozen with fear that perhaps the person I was dating wasn’t as keen as I thought so I’d tell them that I was busy over the next few weeks and give him a call then, and then don’t bother. Just to see their reaction. And when their reaction came back just as fearful as mine – I’d not be surprised because ‘I knew they’d let me down eventually’.

Rubbish!

It’s just a vicious circle and it’s all based on fear.

Back to the song…

Have courage to be brave

Being brave is a good start when you are seeing someone new, because if you don’t say what you want or be who you are, then when will you? Six, seven months down the line and that’s if you even get that far into the relationship.

The biggest thing to remember is the other person is probably just as sh*t scared as you are. They have probably had their heart-broken too. I can promise you that they fear rejection. If you can understand that you’ll go a long way in understanding why we each react the way we do, in relationships, we are all just a little bit afraid. Not all, granted, but most of us.

No truer word said, the fact that you will be more hurt by your fear of not speaking your mind and losing that someone or something, than actually coming out and saying what you want.

So how do you know what to say?

And if you want to test it, I’d say put yourself in their shoes, would you like to hear what you have got to say? How would you feel if that person you liked said how they felt? Would it make it easier for you to say how you felt?

And if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I know it’s a cliché but it’s true!

Seriously guys, be yourself, warts and all. Say what you want, when you want and never ever be afraid to do it time and time again. I promise you they WANT to hear it even if it’s bad, just say it.

So what do you want to say today?

Be brave and say it TODAY.

She’s hit the ESCAPE button again!

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escapeOK wait for it.

Yep it’s going to come and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it will.

What?

The ‘nay Sayers’ around me who will predictably say ‘there she goes again, another job, another idea that won’t amount to anything’

And it will…..

Seriously, will these people ever get what I get?

They never understand that if you don’t follow your heart and go after what you truly want you’ll always be stuck?

Sod them!

This is about me and what makes me happy and if I’d wanted your advice I would have asked in the first place, get it?

So now that’s done, I’ve said my piece. Onto why I am writing to you today.

It all starts today….

For weeks and weeks I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won’t go away.  Actually to be frank it’s been there for years but I’ve made a bloody good job of denying its existence until today!

I sent my Manager an email this morning, saying that I wanted to go part-time and if that’s not possible I’d like to hand my notice in.

I’ve been waiting to do this for ages; the job just doesn’t ‘do it’ for me and to sit at my laptop all day everyday doing work that just turns my brain into mush, well there is no competition.

I can however, handle it for 20 hours a week a) because I’d like to keep earning and b) I know that the rest of the time I can focus 100% on my business. Whooopeeeeee!!

‘But what happens if they say you can’t go part-time?’  I hear you shout!

Then that’s what is meant to happen.  End of.

I know I can do this and I know I have it in me to work for myself. Sometimes that extra push towards it is needed, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.   I’ve asked I’ve put it out there. The ball is in their court and I can take it on the chin if required!

I want this you see.   I want and desire this change, I’ve wanted it for so long and there ain’t no time like the present!

So here goes ladies and gents, sometimes you got to just risk it or stay stuck in the mud of life.

How do you know when you know?

So how do you know when it’s time to quit that job or make that decision that you’ve been needing to make for what seems like an age?   What signs are there? And how do you deal with them?

Take time out

Meditate or do something that just leaves you alone with you.  Open your heart and really listen to how you feel when you think of this one thing in your life.  How does it make you feel? What emotions does it bring up?  Really take this time out, with no judgement or shame.

What do you want?

OK next ask yourself ‘what is the ideal scenario for me if I took this course of action? And what would your life look like once you made the decision and how would you feel?’

For me it would be that I would feel more freedom than I’ve ever felt before, I would be back in control of my life and be able to explore more exciting opportunities.   I would feel happy and the weight off my shoulders would feel wonderful.  I know that I truly believe that this is the right road for me and my life would be more joyful and fulfilled because of it.  My life will be doing what I should be doing and sharing this with you is the tip of the ice-burg!

Stand up for YOU

This is where you’ve got to put those shoulders back, take a deep breath and do what is necessary.  Taking action is the next step towards your new life.  Whatever action you need to take to get the ball rolling, do it. Do it today.

If you are fearful, good, this is telling you that it’s the right decision because when you push through fear and believe the life for you is ahead great things will come.  Yeah there will be some ups and downs along the way, but that’s all there to keep you growing and on the right track.

Stand up for yourself today and do what you got to do.

Like emailing your boss and telling them you want to go part-time or quit!

So who’s standing up for themselves today and hitting the ESCAPE button?

Fill Yourself Up…

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I have been a serial dater in the past.

Not promiscuous, although I’ve had my moments, but dating men when I’ve a) either not been ready or b) dated men that haven’t been ready for me, both NEVER a good thing.

My ‘problem’ I believe is that each time I have dated a man I’ve always thought ‘could this be the one?’; never once just enjoying the experience to the fullest and taking it as just a date!

I’ve had this need for many years, to have a man in my life, to feel loved, wanted and adored. And you could say it’s because of my lack of parentage from my father, or my mother setting the example of which I have followed true to form.

I have always without doubt forgotten myself whenever I have met a new man, I’ve lived totally for them and I can honestly say this has happened each and every time, no matter how much I have tried to resist.

And guess what? Each of those relationships went down the pan! Surprise surprise!

I am glad of those lessons however painful they were, because I am now at the time of my life where I am finally working on me, my desires and needs.  I am now at this point where what I want matters and if something doesn’t ring true for me, I will sit back and really look at the situation and try to work out what it is teaching me.

For example I recently met a guy, we got on really well, we’ve dated a few times and then suddenly he quietened down, less contact and even didn’t call me when he said he would.  Shame on him!

The old me would have been so upset, would have started to fret ‘does he like me’ or ‘what did I do wrong’.  This time I may have done a little of that, but I’ve fine-tuned myself to look at the situation and go back to me and what I am lacking.

You see, I needed to fill myself up, go back to me and remember who I am right here, right now.  So I meditate.  I sit alone (well as alone as you can be with a puppy around) and tune into me, the real me, deep within. And I have to say it feels wonderful. I love the way it makes me feel so peaceful and ready for my day.

Whilst filling myself up I go back to what makes me happy and focus on my life and passions. PaulasWork is my passion and nothing in the world will ever stop me progressing with that little baby!

You see this experience is another lesson the Universe has sent my way.  The lesson is to love myself first.

I, like you, am still learning and growing which is why I share these stories with you.  I hope that you too can understand that unless you can fill yourself up first, no one or nothing can ever make you happy – not really, not to your core.

I love myself and continue to do so.

Do you?

 

Leave judgement at the back door…

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I used to be the worlds worst, judge, juror and jailer, that was me.  Awful isn’t it?

Why do we judge so much?

I recently read a status on Facebook about the way a man was talking to his little girl in a restaurant and apparently he was ‘mentally’ abusing her and would not let up.   Finally another guy in the restaurant stood up and told the man ‘enough was enough’ and they went to go outside – all ended OK in the end as they went their separate ways.

The person telling this tale was outraged by the behaviour of the father of the girl saying that it was awful, which it probably was, and that she should have reported him or gone over and taken the child from him whilst hitting him!

Please don’t get me wrong here, I don’t think the behaviour of the man was acceptable and I am sure the little girl didn’t deserve this treatment.  But I was astounded by how many people commented on this status to give their two pence worth about this man and not giving one thought to why he was like it or looked at it from his perspective.

The judgement we inflict on other’s is astronomical, if someone acts, looks or behaves differently to us then we automatically assume that he/she is wrong or that there is something wrong with them.   There is a lack of tolerance to each other and instead of thinking ‘why is this man like this’ or ‘I wonder how this man got to be this way’ we fly in with ‘this man is disgusting’ or ‘this man should never have kids’.

This saddens me.   I am not a mother, yet, but I know from seeing parents and how frustrating it can be sometimes that it can be one of the hardest jobs you can ever do and that’s when you actually choose to be a parent.  Sadly in this day and age a lot of parents (especially fathers) don’t always consciously choose to be a dad.  Some men are ‘trapped’ into be a dad whether they like it or not and then they have to deal with the consequences after.

Of course the man should have used protection, that goes without saying, but when that doesn’t happen you are left with a child wanted or unwanted and the parents have to do their best, which isn’t always the ‘best’ that you or I would believe it is.

I’ve been a ‘step parent’ before and the father (my boyfriend) was ‘trapped’ twice (silly man).  He was from a very bad background as a child and although was doing everything he could to be better than his past, he still struggled enormously as a father.  His own pressure on being ‘better than his parents’ put pressure on his own parenting in the end made him ‘in societies eyes’ less than perfect.

You see no one saw his struggles, no one understood how he had been parented (or not parented) and no one took the time to help him be a better parent, I tried.

What I am trying to get at here is that many parents are parents because of circumstance, if you watch the Jeremy Kyle’s in the world you’ll know exactly what I mean.   It’s parents like these that need our help not judgement.  They need our support, guidance and understanding.  It’s not easy being a parent, not one little bit, and some days I am sure a parent will think ‘I can’t take this anymore’ or ‘help’ especially those from broken homes, broken marriages and single parents.

These parent’s struggle enough with their own worries about being a ‘good’ parent so any outside judgement just fuels their belief and then the vicious circle continues.

I ask who are we to judge someone else’s parenting?  Oh of course there is a time to step in and say ‘enough is enough’ like the man in this status and I am sure it was pretty unbearable.  But for those who were not there or even looking in from the sidelines, take a second and ask yourself what was this mans own family life like when he was a child?  How was this man parented? Why was this man being so harsh and finally what is going on with this mans world to make him act like this?

If you can look upon it with those eyes and see past the behaviour perhaps we can help each other out a little.  Because as far as I can see being a parent is damn hard.

Perhaps parenting classes should be a must before becoming a parent?

So love a little eh?

Uncertainty is to LIVE

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Have you ever noticed that the best moments in your life were when uncertainty was prevalent in your life?   When you are unclear on the road ahead, life changing things start to happen and your life took on new meaning.   I know that when I have stepped out into uncertainty I’ve grown in so many ways that I now relish that uncertainty more and more.

So what do I mean by uncertainty?

It’s the not knowing, a feeling of absolute blindness and can leave you pretty uptight and anxious.

Your life is hanging there in the wings but you move forward anyway doing what you have to do to stay focussed and alive.   Yeah it’s scary and very uncomfortable.  It will make you re-think your life, re-assess where you are and will totally show you who is there alongside you too.

Uncertainty will push your buttons and make you face truths about yourself, your life and those around you that you probably won’t want to face.   It will force you to face it however, and that my friend is the wonderful truth of it all.   It’s the difference between living and dying.

I’ll give you an example of when I’ve faced uncertainty and believe me I have faced it many times.

SAM_1462

Meet Tommy.

When he first came home with me he was just 8 weeks old.  I’ve never been a ‘dog person’ as in when I was growing up we had lots of cats but never dogs, so I had absolutely no idea what to do with this ball of fluff!

My boyfriend at the time had some experience of having a Rottweiler so I thought we’d be OK.  He’d be able to show me the ropes, train him with me and generally all would be fine.

As Tommy grew, he became more and more playful and grew in confidence around us both.  His teeth started to grow which felt more like pins than anything else!  He also became a lot more boisterous and started showing signs of dominance.   This scared the hell out of me.  I just did not know what to do.  I started reading books about this stuff, looking on line for advice but with anything like this there are so many opinions you just don’t know which way to turn.

So I started to feel uncertain.  Uncertain on whether I could take care of this little life.  I became anxious and scared that I’d somehow let this little fella down by not teaching him the best and most fulfilling way to live.   You see I have this overwhelming feeling of responsibility for this little life and because of this uncertainty on whether I could step up to the mark, it really played on my mind.

I started to question myself and in the end my confidence dropped to the point where when I took him out one day he got attacked by another dog, this really set me back as I just couldn’t face taking him out again.

I’d lay awake at night thinking about it, wondering where I could take him where there would be no other dogs or I’d feel sick in the mornings knowing that I’d have to take him out and worry who I’d meet along the way.   I was uncertain about myself and how I could be this leader for my dog. And yeah I did feel like throwing in the towel.

But then I started to change my thoughts about why this was happening to me, why Tommy had been bitten and why I was going through all these emotions.   I somehow knew that it was all there to teach to me something to push me towards a better way and a better relationship with my dog.

You see I’ve always been good at quitting and admitting that something is too difficult or too hard to continue with.  In some respects its’ a good thing as if I have ever been unhappy I’ve never been afraid to admit this and move forward into something better for me.  But this was different, I couldn’t just quit on Tommy.  He was my responsibility and I had to do something about it.  I had to overcome this fear and keep going, no matter how hard or difficult it became and I did it because I knew deep down that this was meant to happen, for me to grow.

Tommy is now 9 months old and yeah I still have the odd anxious twinge and I am continuing to work on my confidence but I am still here, Tommy is still here.  That is because I carried on and I accepted that it was going to be uncertain for a while and pretty painful.   There are times now where I don’t know what to do but I embrace it now and move forward because I know it’s there to teach me something new.

It’s when you accept that uncertainty, move into it and live and breathe it that’s when your life changes and takes on a whole new meaning.

Imagine if I’d stayed where I was being certain about everything, where would I be now?

I’d dread to think about it to be honest.

So what about you?  What are you uncertain about?  Are you going to step into it and get the courage to face it? To look deep down inside of yourself and work out why this is happening to you?

If you do I promise you, it will grow you in ways you never thought possible and your life will improve ten-fold.

Step into it today, go for it you won’t regret it….

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related article here

Be glad of the past…..

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What makes us so fearsome in life?

Is it something our parents have taught us or is it something we pick up along the way through childhood, school and so forth?

So many of us are fearsome of making that next  move because we don’t know the outcome or what lies ahead if we do.   Isn’t that just sad?

We miss out on so much when we are afraid.  People we might meet, experiences we might face or conversations we may never ever have.  I could not imagine a world of constant fear and I am so thankful to my mother for my view on life because I am sure I must get it from her.

It’s funny how when you have a conversation with someone new that you reflect on all the things you have done and you suddenly realise how much you have achieved in your life.  I guess you never really acknowledge it as you go along.

Last night I was discussing things I have achieved in my life so far and I came away pretty darn proud of myself.   I’ve traveled to countries on my own, spoken and met up with people I’ve hardly known just so I can grab a taste of their lives and I’ve worked in so many different jobs that I’ve got experience of almost every type of career going.

Some would say I am a serial risk taker, others would say I am just a mixed up fool or doesn’t know what she wants.  I’d take the first and even if I thought I was the second, who cares?  I don’t know all the answers but I will give it a damn good try at finding out.

When you assess what you have done, it makes you stronger when you make decisions in the present day.   For me it gives me the confidence and determination to move through my life with strength and ease.    I understand that the decisions I make can never be the wrong ones, because each one brings me to a new door and even if that door is something that makes me feel uncomfortable or foolish it is still helping me grown and be the person i am meant to be.

The aim here is to keep opening those doors, walking through and dealing with what lies ahead.   Not standing in front of the door and never opening it.   There is truly nothing in this world to be afraid of, because someone or something has got your back whether you are spiritual or not.

Believing this and reminding yourself of this daily is important.   I’ll do this everyday and thank my lucky stars for what I have now and be glad of what is to come.

So stand up for yourself if you want a better life.   You deserve this 100%, do it for you and the rest will follow.

Believe me………

If you need any inspiration check out this page here

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Join the dots..

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What makes you smile?

I mean really REALLY smile?  That inside your heart, biggest ever, teeth bearing gorgeous smile of yours?

THAT my friend is what makes you tick.

I believe this.   Shall I tell you why?

For me it’s meeting people, connecting with someone for the first time and sharing something unique between us both.  That person can be a stranger, someone I know or someone I have known from a distance but never had the guts to actually open my mouth to speak to.

THAT is what makes me smile.  The chance in that very moment to make an impact, to make someones day and to make a difference.  It might just be for  a few moments, but it matters.

This  is at the very core of PaulasWork – that connection.  And If I can connect people to other people from all walks of life then all will be well in this world.

We are ALL the same, we have worries, problems, happy times and sad times, each and every one of us.  If we try to remember this, we can stop for a second think before we shout, abuse or treat someone badly.   Instead we can listen, understand and connect.  This will make the difference.

It’s simple really.

I’d love to hear your thoughts today.  What makes you connect with people? What do you love? What gives you the biggest smile?

Come one……….tell me….

Sign up and Join PaulasWork today, you’ll get a FREE Guide.

Your New LIFE – The First STEP‘ .

As a special bonus you can get it reviewed by myself too, all you need to do is send it back! – CLICK HERE