Something I ask myself each time a relationship comes to an end, which has been a few times but no more than a handful, did I love?
And I have to say, probably not. Actually that’s a definite no. Which is me being honest with myself rather than with you.
I may appear a bit hasty when I announce this but I believe in my heart that it is true. You see I don’t think I have been very fair to those who I’ve proclaimed to have loved because to love is without expectation or wanting something back. And I have always wanted something back, even when I said otherwise.
To be brutally honest I think I have been quite manipulative, controlling and pretty hard on my ‘partners’ over the years. Nothing obvious or nasty, however in a slightly subtle way which actually makes it damn near cruel. But that’s my opinion. This is me being hard on myself because I am part of the relationship too. It takes two to tango, as the saying goes, so if any blame is handed out I should get a pretty big slice of the cake on that one.
Oh I could sit here and tell you how ‘he did this’ and ‘I did that’ but it’s all pointless. I played a part. I chased, I called and I made it pretty damn obvious I wasn’t going without a fight. Most of all I stuck around, being ‘there’ for them, trying to understand why they hurt, could I help them in some way? But all for what? To make myself feel wanted? To feel valued? Or to make myself feel needed so i would be needed back?
Now that is selfish.
Don’t get me wrong, you choose someone who reflects what you see in yourself at the time. And yep that is exactly what I got. Not that I understood this at the time, but I do now and its perfectly clear. My eyes are open, wide open. I don’t want love if it continues to be this way. I don’t want love if I have to feel like that or do the things I do.
Unconditional love. Now that’s the kind of love I would like to know and experience. No preconceived ideas on how it should be. No expectations or disappointments. This love is a love like no other. It’s a best friend kind of love. The being there whenever needed and vise versa kind of love and with no time limit or ‘you do that’ and then ‘I’ll do that’. It’s not a game of win or lose.
It time to be honest with yourself. Really feel it. Is this the right time? Am I wanting love because I am lonely, to fill a void or because I would love to make someone else happy.
Now that is unselfish.
Imagine just wanting someone else to be happy. With little or no thought of whether he or she is making you happy. Because that part my friend is where YOU come in. (or I) Happiness cannot happen if you spend your days being not happy with yourself, with your choices and your life. Someone else cannot make you happy, you only think it can because you refuse to take responsibility for your own life choices – I am talking to myself here.
So I look at love differently now, I’ve seen both sides of it (well mostly one side – my own) and I would love to see the side I’ve never seen.
So I’ll just ask this question. Have you loved?