Love?

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Something I ask myself each time a relationship comes to an end, which  has been a few times but no more than a handful, did I love?

And I have to say, probably not.  Actually that’s a definite no. Which is me  being honest with myself rather than with you.

I may appear  a bit hasty when I announce this but I believe in my heart that it is true.   You see I don’t think I have been very fair to those who I’ve proclaimed to have loved because to love is without expectation or wanting something back.  And I have always wanted something back, even when I said otherwise.

To be brutally honest I think I have been quite manipulative, controlling and pretty hard on my ‘partners’ over the years.  Nothing obvious or nasty, however in a slightly subtle way which actually makes it damn near cruel.    But that’s my opinion. This is me being hard on myself because I am part of the relationship too.  It takes two to tango, as the saying goes, so if any blame is handed out I should get a pretty big slice of the cake on that one.

Oh I could sit here and tell you how ‘he did this’ and ‘I did that’ but it’s all pointless.  I played a part. I chased, I called and I made it pretty damn obvious I wasn’t going without a fight.   Most of all I stuck around, being ‘there’ for them, trying to understand why they hurt, could I help them in some way?  But all for what? To make myself feel wanted? To feel valued? Or to make myself feel needed so i would be needed back?

Now that is selfish.

Don’t get me wrong, you choose someone who reflects what you see in yourself at the time.  And yep that is exactly what I got.  Not that I understood this at the time, but I do now and its perfectly clear.  My eyes are open, wide open.   I don’t want love if it continues to be this way.  I don’t want love if  I have to feel like that or do the things I do.

Unconditional love.   Now that’s the kind of love I would like to know and experience.  No preconceived ideas on how it should be. No expectations or disappointments.  This love is a love like no other.  It’s a best friend kind of love.  The being there whenever needed and vise versa kind of love and with no time limit or ‘you do that’ and then ‘I’ll do that’.  It’s not a game of win or lose.

It time to be honest with yourself.  Really feel it. Is this the right time?  Am I wanting love because I am lonely, to fill a void or because I would love to make someone else happy.

Now that is unselfish.

Imagine just wanting someone else to be happy. With little or no thought of whether he or she is making you happy.  Because that part my friend is where YOU come in. (or I)  Happiness cannot happen if you spend your days being not happy with yourself, with your choices and your life.  Someone else cannot make you happy, you only think it can because you refuse to take responsibility for your own life choices – I am talking to myself here.

So I look at love differently now, I’ve seen both sides of it (well mostly one side – my own) and I would love to see the side I’ve never seen.

So I’ll just ask this question.   Have you loved?

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14 thoughts on “Love?

    • Thanks Barbara, it’s all a lesson isn’t it? I hope to keep learning. appreciate your comments x

  1. No such thing as ‘unconditional love’ so you could save a lot of time by not chasing that dream. The closest you will get to that is from your dog, but even he needs feeding. We are humans and we all have our human frailties. That is what you need to learn to live with. A relationship works when two people meet each others needs. When you are young your needs change and relationship breaks down. As you grow you learn to meet more of your own needs and so there is more chance that a relationship will go long term. That’s how it is, that’s how it’s always been, and that’s how it will always be.

    • No chasing here although I am a strong believer in dreams. I think that’s where I have gone wrong is not meeting my own needs first. But I am learning. Thanks Della appreciate your comments.

  2. Love yourself and it radiates out, tell yourself you are worth real love and when it arrives you will know because it is simplistic and free from doubt. Love your blog welcome to the tribe.

    • Thank you, yes that’s what it all boils down to doesn’t it. I am learning and growing as I write! Appreciate your comment 🙂

  3. Welcome to the tribe! What an exciting adventure you are on. I understand your take on love, looking back I have grown in many of the ways you’ve described. I think you can come pretty close to unconditional love, I do! Don’t give up on that. I’ve been married 20 years now and I know without a doubt that man, or I, would jump in front of a train or give our own life for each other. Unconditional “like”? Not even close. Lots of days in a relationship you cringe and are nasty. But true love? It is worth the investment

    • Wow Christa, thank you for not giving up on me! Yes I know it is never perfect but I wrote it for me to grow as I do understand that we were not right for each other at that time, and I almost knew this from the off but didn’t listen to myself. Yes true love is and I can’t wait 🙂

  4. I think the unconditional love we crave is only given by God. And I think when we get into a relationship we’re in trouble if we’re seeking someone to meet our needs. If we get married with that question in mind, how can this person meet my needs, we are in trouble. God meets our needs. Sometimes he does it through your spouse, sometimes through a friend or family member.

    • Yes totally Anne, I have read Marianne Williamsons book about love and I believe this too. I am spiritual in that sense. God is love, many thanks for taking the time to write Anne. Appreciate it

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