It’s a Saturday. The weather is extremely warm where I live, as I suspect the rest of the country. Tommy is trying to keep cool moving from part of the house to the other, poor thing. And I’m dressed in a summer dress and little else.
I’m sat inside a) because if I go outside I will roast and b) I like to spend time with Tommy watching him sleep and I suspect he does too, or I like to think so.
Sitting here as I write this I’m feeling a little bit anxious about my trip to France in August. I’m doubting whether I can afford it, whether I should defer the trip until I have more money and whether or not to take Tommy. I have a few things to pay out for the trip i.e. vets bills, car servicing, car insurance, breakdown cover (heaven forbid), ferry crossing, petrol and tolls. I know that I could leave it another week until the next month, so I get an extra months pay, and I nearly do it as I’ve already emailed Jo (my friend who I am visiting). Jo says it’s OK but points out that her mum may not be able to look after the dogs in Sept if we do want to go out without them. I nearly do it too, but something stops me.
Me! I think to myself and even speak out loud to myself, why am I doing this? Why am I even considering it? I do know why, deep down. It’s fear, fear of the unknown. Fear that perhaps I am doing the wrong thing. Fear that I may look an idiot or get stuck somewhere or even the car breaks down (no it wont!). But it’s just that and only that. Fear. A thought that leads to one thought, then to another and before you know it I could be cancelling the whole thing!
And where would that leave me? In the same place I am today. In fear, not just fear but paralysingly stuck in a rut fear which I will regret if I let it get hold of me.
No! I say to myself, yep I really do say that to myself. I won’t let those silly insignificant practicalites and thinking about them make me not do what I really want to do. It is a battle, yes even for me. But if I didn’t have that battle I wouldn’t be growing would I? I wouldn’t feel better afterwards when I don’t let it get to me, and carry on with what I had planned in the first place. And I already do feel better.
I will be OK, I will find the money in fact I do have the money. I will do this trip, like I’ve done all the other things in my life that I am proud of, and be glad I did it. This trip is about my friend, Tommy and my future – what’s scary about that?!!!
So if you ever feel like that, don’t resist it. Understand that it will come and it WILL come. You’ve got to work through it, let it come, let it flow over you and move on. It’s all part of the process and its good.
I am grateful for this wonderful opportunity and I am glad I trust myself to do it. My gosh I’ve done more scary things in my past. But that’s another story……