A Letter to Change…

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Change  you are a scary prospect.

You can make me feel very alone at times but you also make me feel wonderful.

Wonderful because you are the one making the difference to my life, taking responsibility for my happiness.

That is the beauty of you.  You make me look at my reflection and be proud of where I have been, where I are now and where I want to be.

But with you comes pain, it’s inevitable really.  Because you make me acknowledge who I am and who I want to become.

That maybe right now I am someone I don’t like.   It’s OK. It’s good to know.

What matters is that you make me want to be you, to grow and to LOVE again.  Love me again. As I should.

I for one think I am courageous.  To go on this path alone and push aside all the negative things in my life and to pursue the life I truly want.

I am not afraid of what may come, I will look you square in the face and keep moving forward.

Only good can come from this and I know you will always be with me, because without you my life would be meaningless and filled with nothing but regret and sadness.

Thank you

I wrote this today because I wanted to share with you why Change is a wonderful thing.   Change is good no matter what direction you take.   You will grow with each change and start to see the world in a new way.    Change is important to loving others, loving yourself and the for future.

I believe we are all here to change the world – one person at a time. If we can do that individually, well, now wouldn’t that be something?

So what would you say to Change today if you wrote it a letter? What would you be grateful for?

I recommend it, it’s good for the soul.

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Standing in the way…

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Believe in Yourself 2I wonder how many of us do this.  Stand in the way of our own greatness but think otherwise.

You know the times where you blame  other’s because you can’t get on with what you want to do or you make excuse after excuse because someone else won’t ‘let’ you believe in your dreams.

So let me ask this.

The person who is standing in your way, do they have you locked in a cage where you have no access to anything or anyone?

Have they magically taken your voice away or tied both your hands together so you can’t communicate at all?

Or have they brainwashed you so much that you can’t even think or choose for yourself?

Perhaps they have……..

Except they haven’t, not really.

What you need to realise is that it is YOU and only YOU who is standing in YOUR way.  Nothing or no-one else.  Yes you may think that your wife or your husband is stopping you, but how are they stopping you? What control do they have, to stop you ACTUALLY going for your dreams?  Seriously if you can give me a straight answer to this I would LOVE to know.

Because, and this might hurt a little bit, YOU are the one who is doing this to yourself. You are putting these imaginary blocks in the way and the blocks keep getting bigger and stronger – because you are putting them there.

OK, let’s help you out a little bit.

So your partner doesn’t agree with your dreams or doesn’t have the same vision as you. Ask yourself, does this matter?  And if it does have you spoken to them about it?  And I mean really spoken to them?  You have to be honest here and I am not saying throw the towel in on your marriage or relationship.  I am saying make sure you and your partner are on the same page, heading in the same direction.  To do this though you  have got to talk, to communicate and share.  Be honest and open.  Then you will know.

You see I used to be in a relationship where I thought me and my partner were on the same page, but we weren’t.  It took me a good year and a half to realise this but what matters is I did in the end.  So we went our separate ways, mutually though because we both realised we where two completely different people wanting totally opposite things.   So that’s what we decided. I was lucky and I learnt from it.

That is your next step, if you really want your dreams. (not the breaking up bit) but the talking bit.

It’s still you making the first move though isn’t it?  Yep that’s what you’ve got to do.  You can’t sit back and hope it will be OK.

Speak UP!

If you don’t have any of these ‘obstacles’ then you definitely have no excuse. Money is not an excuse and neither is time.

YOU decide for you, whether the commitment is worth it.  Whether to believe in yourself or not to.

It’s your choice. Always has been and always will be.

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If you always do, what you have always done…

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If you always do, what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got

Wow.

This is one of the truest quotes I have ever heard.

Simply put. If you don’t want to stay stuck then change something.

CHANGE.

Unless you are happy with being miserable and you love to moan about your life, your circumstances and your problems.

Then stay EXACTLY as you are.

But if you want to change, it’s an inside job.  No one else can do it for you. It’s down to YOU.

A heard lesson to learn, but a worthwhile one.

Simple really……

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The F word..

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When I was growing up if I heard the word ‘faith’ I thought it was a word synonymous with religion and church.  I guess it is a big part of that, however it doesn’t have to be used in that context at all.

Let me explain.

Faith I believe is about trust, but more importantly it is the ability to let go and surrender to what will be.

Remember when you were a child, you never questioned things, you just took things as they were right? Controlling circumstances or people just didn’t happen, you were happy to enjoy each day for what it contained.

Faith has a child-like feel to it and I think perhaps that’s why we no longer believe in it or use it.  It’s like now we are all grown up we can use money, influence or drink/drugs to control our lives. Oh how wrong we are.

There is power in having faith.  It’s the willingness to believe that what will be in our lives, will just be if it’s meant for us.  There is a freedom to faith like no other and the more you use it the freer you are.

I used to have a partner who used to say I had my ‘head in the clouds’ that ‘I needed to get back to reality’.   I realised that was his own issues, but it pushed me more and more into faith because I knew I could not live like him – with no faith at all.

You see life for him was a struggle and he had been brought up that way, that if you didn’t think like him, you simply ‘weren’t living on this planet’, I believe he is wrong.

Life can be hard and you can have struggles but if you give up and live your live your life by this, then how the hell is your life ever going to get better? Or are you simply happier being miserable, envious, jealous and bitter?

My faith is pushing me forward to a life I LOVE, I am nearly there but I still have a few things to do first.  I will admit I do have doubtful moments, but I remember where I have been and where I am now and am a hundred times happier than I was 2, 3 years ago.

I have this unwavering belief that I was brought into this world to fulfil a purpose and there is no stopping me from fulfilling it and more.   I am meeting people from all over the world, albeit online (for now) and doing things I would never have believed 3 years ago!

There has been a shift inside of me and it’s called faith.  Faith that my life is going to be brilliant (it is already but you know what I mean), I am going to inspire others to do the same and so much more.  You see life has no limits, not even around money.

So how will you live today?

With fear or faith?

Being You…

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Why is it that we struggle with being different to each other?   It really baffles me and I’ll admit that it can annoy the cr*p out of me too.

Growing up as a kid and at school I hated bullying of any kind, the gangs, the popular kids all hanging out together and the sad divisions between groups of kids.

It makes you wonder, where does all this come from?  Why are we so cruel to each other even from as young as 8.  As adults we  still treat each other as we did as children.  Judging, fighting and vocalising our distaste of what someone wears, what they eat and how they live their lives.

I want to shout out ‘what the hell has it got to do with you?’ but I don’t.

I think the worst of it is that we are all trying to be the same.  Wear the same things, look the same, weigh the same, drive the same car, do the same jobs, have kids, settle down and then die.  I’m not saying that this is bad I just feel that as we get older we just seem to fit in more, with little or no effort to change, think for ourselves or put ourselves out there.

We have  a fear of being picked on again, just like those days at school.  You know the kid who always put their hand up in class the one who didn’t have the perfect body or face (who decides this?) and the one who doesn’t quite fit into the little gang of school favorites.

I’ll tell you what though I’d rather be that kid.

It makes me laugh when I think of the ‘popular’ kids at school, where have they gone? What are they doing? I suspect nothing out of the ordinary – they might have it all what do I know?.  You see it wasn’t their fault they were ‘chosen’ they just fitted into some ideology made up from somewhere.

As we grow we struggle with who we are, what we are meant to be, who we are meant to be.  we forget to be just who we are and be at peace with that.

I love it when I see someone go it alone, stick their head out of the sand and stand up for something because they believe in it.  Whether I agree with them or not, I am awestruck by their guts, determination and power.

Standing out of the crowd is a powerful thing and we all have that power inside of us.  I know I have that and I am determined to help others find their own power too.  It makes you feel good, happy and you feel like you can make a difference, as long as it is used with love in mind.

I say stand up today.  Stand up for your life, your family and make your life count.

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It’s not a mistake. It’s a choice…

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If you look back over your life, do you believe you have made a lot of mistakes or just a lot of choices?

I wouldn’t mind betting that you’ve said ‘mistakes’ and I’d have agreed with you, a few years ago.

Remembering some of the decisions I have made, well they could be seen as rather cringe-worthy than as a mistake .

For example I decided, over a year  and a half ago, to apply to become a Foster Carer, a single carer and yep, not for children or babies. No, me I had to be the one who I decided to go for broke and foster teenagers! Crazy or what!  But hey,  I thought that all I needed to do was to just remember what I was like as a teenager and use that experience to get me through the tough times.  How wrong I was.

After the 6 months of going over my life with a fine tooth comb, answering very personal questions about my family history and my childhood I was finally ‘granted’ permission to look after other people’s ‘forgotten’ children.

During the process I found it therapeutic in many ways and also discovered much about myself that I didn’t know existed.

I think at the time I was trying to prove something. Prove to other’s and to myself that I could do something as good as this, take on someone’s else’s child with all their issues, problems and usually, horrible circumstances.  I, Paula, didn’t need to have my own children and  I’d  be different by becoming some kind of  ‘super woman’ who’d take on any child!

Who was I to think that I am better because I am fostering children? Who am I to look at other’s and say ‘well they need someone’ and I’ve got this covered.

Needless to say it was extremely difficult, I was not prepared for the absconding, the worry, the anxiety and the total lack of support from the social workers.  I was left alone to deal with this 15-year-old girl, who hated her mother, herself more and who no doubt knew the system inside out before I got involved.

This piece is not about how I view fostering caring, but more to do with the choice I made at that time.  I will admit that I had a ‘I’m such a good person’ attitude when I decided to foster, but I also deep down inside, wanted to make some kind of difference and that was genuine.   However,  I wasn’t really ready to take on this commitment and I knew it.

In the end I had to quit after only 9 months.  I quit for two reasons, one because the girl I had living with me didn’t need a single ‘mother’ type or indeed a friend – she needed a hell of a lot more.  The second reason is that I knew I was just not cut out for it. Simple really.  And it was horrible.  Admitting that to yourself is embarrassing, humiliating and a total disaster.   Not only di I going back on everything I had said, I had wasted so much of everyone’s time including my own.

But had I?

If I had taken another road and not decided to Foster children would I one day have thought ‘what if’? Honestly? Probably not.  But I do know that it was not a mistake.  It was a choice I made, no one forced me into it.  I went into it with my eyes open, except they were a little rose-tinted.

I am glad of that choice however, because although I gave up and admitted to myself why I had made that decision.  I am a lot more clued up to what I actually want now.  I look back at that time as I know now that persist in area’s I would never have persisted before.  I also realise that children are not to be taken lightly and that for me having a child is a massive decision.

I am not a bad person for making that choice, it was just not the right road for me and it took me going down it to realise that – otherwise how would I have grown?

I sometimes wonder where she is now and if she is happy.  I hope so.  She was still a little girl trapped inside a teenagers body. She just wanted to be loved. That’ all any child wants and needs.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that making choices can never be seen as a mistake, even if they aren’t the right one for you.   See them as a choice, a road, a path to something better down the line.

I’ll tell you what, I am not the same person  now.  I am grateful for that experience.  The sleepless nights, phone calls to the police and walking on glass moments because there might be a blow out at any given time.

Really I am…..

 

Keep your opinions..

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It really is so easy to be swayed by another person’s opinion of you and what you are setting out to achieve, when you don’t have a great belief system inside.

Take it from me, I’ve been pushed from pillar to post over the years.  Taking that job or career move because ‘other people’ will think better of me or always saying yes, when it’s SCREAMING inside of me to say NO!

I’ve come to the conclusion that when you let other’s dictate what road to take or what dream to follow, you are living in fear.  Fear of what might be, fear of getting it wrong or fear of your world coming crashing down all around you.

The funny thing is FEAR is the big ‘red light’  stopping us from putting  life into gear, signalling, mirroring ,manoeuvring out and driving far far away from that tight, conditioned, predictable spot we call our lives.

Seriously though, for me, I am extremely scared of not following my dreams and never taking a risk or two to get me there.  Being absolutely petrified of staying put and never experiencing the life that I want is the fear i have and I am glad of it.

Life is to experience fear and let it go through you, yeah it’s there, it’s in all of us.  However, it’s what you do with it and whether you decide to use it to drive you forward that counts.   Ask yourself this. Do you want a happier and contented life or a life that you are chained to?   Surely you don’t want to be watching other’s living that life wishing it where you, do you?

The life you want is there, in the pit of your stomach.  You know its there because it will niggle at you until you listen to it.

Ah yes that’s the one…..